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My girlfriend slept with someone else on a break, how should I handle this?

my girlfriend and I went on a break a week ago. Wednesday an old flame hit her up and they ended up sleeping together on saturday. she just told me about it monday.
we were on a break at the time so not technically exclusive, she said she didn't enjoy it, it was awkward and he made the move. the point of the break was to revaluation of the relationship and she says now she knows she wants me. I don't know how I'm going to rebuild that trust or if this is even something I can work past. I do love her, but quite hurt right now. any serious advice?

Dating

Who's idea was the break?

You were on 'break' which meant you were still connected because the end game of a break is to get back together...her actions should not be disregarded over a technicality as dumb as that one.

No--stay on 'break' and move on.

Would she be ok if you fvcked other women because you were on 'break'?

@Kingslayer

it was her idea for the break. if the roll was reversed I think she would have been hurt by it, but inevitably forgive. so that's the idea I'm struggling with. if it's worth it to try and rebuild the relationship. actions do very well speak louder then words. I havnt made my action yet.

@Kingslayer So--she asks for a break and then fvcks another guy a couple days later..she'd probably already been chatting him up for a while and then used this 'break' as cover...to see how things went with him and could go back to you as a plan b.

Come on man. Dont even consider dating her again. Don't be anyone's plan b.

@Kingslayer

I would 100% for sure call it quits after that move she pulled. She basically pre planned the break to legitimize her cheating. The ONLY way I'd be able to get over it is to do the same thing. Reconnect with an old flame of yours then start your own break, then bang your ex and end the break. Tell your girl the exact same thing she told you then you guys can move on together. Also, if you slept with your gf since what she did, you probably want to get tested asap...

@Kingslayer

Test it out, tell her that's ok I slept with 4 other girls. 2 were exes. See what she says. Then when she forgives you walk the F uck away

You can choose to take this experience and hope that the break was just needed to reaffirm that the two of you want to continue together. You, however, must be able to truly leave it in the past and not hold this over her head for the rest of her life. If you don't think you're capable of that then continue the break that started until such time you can, or until either of you find someone else and solidify that you aren't together anymore.

There's no trust to rebuild; without having clearly defined what a "break" is either of you can do what you please. If you didn't agree to this, then what you experienced was a "break up."

@Tumbleweed

I agreed to it, she suggested we go on a date with someone else. she was also the one who said not to sleep with anyone. I'm trying to figure out if that was her intention or not. if so then we should break up, that's just ridiculous. I'm struggling with the idea of being able to leave it in the past though. I can see how this could be venom. I want to be with her, but this is going to take time. to start where we left off is impossible now, I want to figure out if we can, actually start a new.

@Tumbleweed Coming from someone who has technically been cheated on twice, and I forgave her twice and we continued on to start our relationship (she cheated with her ex and another guy at a club while we were seeing each other, at least I consider it cheating). The thought of those things happening may leave your mind for short periods of time but it will definitely not be going away in the near future.

In my opinion, at this point it is best to move on. Even though you want to be with her and you want things to work out, I really don't want to see this blow back up in your face (as it happened to me, and it really sucks).

I do agree with those above though that this was wayy too convenient to just be a coincidence that she asked to go on a break.

Best of luck jbates!

@Tumbleweed Wait.. she said not to sleep with anyone? Sorry, I misinterpreted when you said not technically exclusive in your original post that it meant that door was open.

The first half of my response still applies, but now there is a burden on her part to rebuild the trust. Obviously you two still have some unresolved issues if she felt that need to bone her ex at first opportunity. That desire you may never be able to fix, or worse, she may not be able to control. She has to be able to explain her actions to you. If she can't sell you on the why to the point you can understand and forgive then let her go.

I don't know how much time you've spent building this relationship. Weigh if her desire to be with you is for other reasons (monetary, convenience, just a place to sleep).

@Tumbleweed

You cannot start anew. Are you going to forget what she did? Is she going to stop being manipulative? No, and no. You can move on with her if you want to. But you will be a doormat, and she will manipulate you to your detriment again. Count on it. If you want to live that way, that's your choice. Remember, you are now her second choice. She was willing to risk your relationship for another go at her ex.

@Tumbleweed

Sounds like one of my exes...everyone has to reinvent the wheel and think things can be fixed...go for it. Feel the burn 5 months down the road (probably physically and emotionally). You already made up your mind by not agreeing with everyone who is telling you to move on...since my guess is we've all been through it.
Be a F UCKING MAN. Would Don Draper, Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, John McClain, etc put up with the BULL S HIT. F UCK no they wouldn't and those are the kind of men women want.
So....learn on your own,get back with her; so you can toughen up and be the man you need to for the women that's worth it.

Come on, man. Don't make me dissect your entire post.
"My girlfriend and I went on break" - my girlfriend asked for a break and I agreed to it without wanting one because I hoped it was a test and her hint to not sleep with anyone made me hope she'd do the same
"Wednesday an old flame hit her up" - she has been chatting with this older flame while you were together, curiosity got the better of her and she asked for the break specifically so she could sleep with him and see how that goes
Assuming the timeline is correct it's a classic 3 day coping mechanism I've seen a few times (thankfully from aside):
Day 1: she's wrecked by guilt and low self esteem. She'll briefly remember why you didn't deserve what just happened and rue how terrible a person she is. By the end of the day her mind will get tired of being miserable and will start coming up with excuses and remembering why you DID deserve what happened
Day 2: lingering traces of yesterday's guilt get overpowered by all sorts of excuses. She starts seeing and remembering some of the things differently and starts working on the story she'll give you. By the end of the day the story is ready and her resolve is strong for the best and strongest lie is the one you manage to convince yourself of. She has a story ready for you, excuses and answers to questions she thinks you will ask and even a plan B should plan A not work (which is usually just a different form of emotional blackmail).
Day 3: she steels herself and tells you, going ahead with plan A
The timeline can sometimes change a bit depending on the person and situation but the process is always the same.
"she says now she knows she wants me" - her old flame ended up being in it only for the booty call after all, so there are no other prospects available and the safest way is to retreat back to that comfortable place from before this latest embarrAskMent.
Do you still want her back?

@Cynicus

that's a very good way to put it. it does sound intentional now.

@Cynicus

I don't presume to know either of you but it does look like something I have observed repeatedly over the years. I wouldn't be able to take her back if I was you because I don't think I'd ever forgive her for doing it and me for allowing it. And even if I did - I'd still never forget it. That's why I don't believe in breaks. It is always one person who wants it and another who goes along with it. That alone makes me question the nature of the relationship.

@Cynicus Kudos on that reply, very thorough and I couldn't agree more.
That's what they do, they **** up and then rationalize and lie their way into believing it was your fault or "needed just to see".

If a lady loves you they never have to test it.

Move on man.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like the point of the break (from her point of view) was to try out the old flame again. If you went on a break a week ago and he hit her up on Wed., that was within minutes (okay, maybe a day or two) of when she asked for the break. I don't believe that much in coincidence. Do you? Plus she said you shouldn't sleep with anyone, the key word being 'you'. Apparently, it was okay for her. If you both agreed not to sleep with anyone on the 'break' and she did, that is not okay. It's cheating on the terms. I don't think she values you enough for the long term.

Cut off all contact

don't waste your time trying to get back at her, that's completely immature. Just break up and don't stoop down to her level.

@AVoiceofReason

I disagree, women like this need to be taught a lesson. If anything "stay with her" but have fun on the side with a bunch of ladies...when she finds out just say "you set the standard" drop the mic and walk the f uck out.
Otherwise she'll just do it to the next guy

@AVoiceofReason

Guess I just value my time. Dont feel like wasting time with a person like that or exposing myself to potential stds.

@AVoiceofReason Yeah good point, I guess i was thinking at this point I wasn't actually investing time in her...just a hole to get my rocks off so my hand doesn't do it while I search for someone who is actually worth my time.

either way I respect your reasoning.

So I bet her ex was already hitting her up and she wanted a break to sleep with him...............

Sorry OP, when your GF went on a break, it was functionally her hedging her bet to try out another guy or just being single while keeping you on the back burner.

Now even if you ignore that she banged an ex in that time frame, you need to ask yourself if you really want to be with a girl who is so uncertain of your value in her life that she feels the need to shop around. Honestly it isn't about the sex, it's about whether she actually likes and respects you... and to be blunt if she has the need to ask that question, she isn't someone you can trust and she doesn't really like or respect you. She's treating you as a placeholder until someone better comes along. Don't let her treat you like that.

Breaks = break ups.

Even if she comes back to you now that doesn't mean she isn't going to dump you again down the line or try another break while using you as her back up.

Moving forward cut her off.

so what is going to happen the next time she sees someone she wants to sleep with? Is she going to ask for a 24 hr break, to have sex then come back?

go on a break till you **** another woman, send her pics. tell her sorry and you want her back and see how she reacts?

A break is technically a breakup that hasn't been finalized yet. I wouldn't go back, especially since she told you not to sleep with anyone else yet she did exactly what she told you not to do. There is no way I would ever be able to get over the betrayal, break or no break.

If you want to try to salvage the relationship and get back together with her, tell her that, because of her manipulative behavior, you now get a "hall pass", a one-time event to use to sleep with another woman later on in the relationship.

If you want to be truly evil, do the hall pass scenario as outlined above, but immediately line up another woman to sleep with, use your hall pass, tell her what happened, and then break up with her. Best of both worlds.

Find a new girlfriend.

A woman that was in to you would not sleep with another man...and you already know that there are problems or you would not have been on the break in the first place.

Trust me. If that guy was better in bed, or someone that could advantage her more then you, you would not have heard from her again. Her shot at the bigger better deal failed and now she is willing to settle with you.

She is low quality. Shop in a better part of town next time.

This guy is a lost cause....gotten some solid advice here but really seems like he is going to ignore it.

Why would you want to continue with a woman who you don't trust?

Was this break her idea? If so, give her the longest break ever..... do not get involved with a woman you don't or cannot trust.

Sounds like he came into the picture, she decided she needed a break, took her break and now wants her cake too.

Step back and give yourself room to feel and think without her. Let the break continue. Don't be rude. Don't be nasty. Just step back, exercise, get lots of sunshine and oxygen, surround yourself with your best friends, and be the best you that you can without her. Try to eliminate communication. If she is still around after a few weeks to a month, maybe there is something there. If not, well... cheers to you for finding that out so easily. Believe in yourself and push away fears. Cheers.

Hi mate! I know this is a long time post and the story might be so long behind, but I'm living the same situation right now and I'm wondering how you dealt with it? Please help is much needed

my wife di the same ****ing thing and I just found out about it 25 years later - we were engaged - she said she wanted to take a break - during that week she slept with another guy from work - in other words she gave herself a hallpass to do another strange dick and break my heart - BUT she gets to claim she was on a break - dump that bitch like bad habit - if she is willing to treat you like this now imagine being married and all the pressures that come with that -my guess she was ALREADY talking with him and wanted a hallpass - **** her

dealing with same type of thing myself, its very difficult, especially when u really love the other person, but keep having bad dreams about other guy and her being together,and makes me feel shitty for half the day. wish i could just leave her sometimes but am in love too, so twisted feeling at times inside. would like to hear of some methods or technique's to let go of the past, would love to move past this, but keeps coming up in my mind.

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